Behind the Scenes
by Cynthia and Josie
Summary: A sad tale of love and a fragile heart that happened when no one could see. Part 1: Tearing Hearts - A secret that can split a heart in two. (shounen ai || Kouto || Koushirou/Yamato)
1. Tearing Hearts

**Series** // Behind the Scenes   
**Title** // Tearing Hearts   
**Author** // Cynthia and Josie   
**Rating** // PG-13   
**Category** // romance   
**Pairing(s)** // Koushirou/Yamato   
**Disclaimer** // Digimon Adventure 02 belongs to Toei Animation, its dubbing rights belong to Saban Entertainment, and its merchandising rights belong to Bandai. We're just writing this baby for fun.   
**Author's Note 1** // Not my fault! Not my fault! Can't pin this one on me!! HEHEHEH!!!   
**Author's Note 2** // All right, I'll admit it...this one's my fault. I'm the one who brought up how Miyako never crushed on the walking "CRUSH ON ME" boy, and that got us to wondering what they'd talked about in episode ten before joining everyone in the digital world...*coughs* I'm the one who said it'd be girl talk...and thus this...uh...whatever you want to call it was born. 

"Really, Miyako, I think Daisuke's actually rather cute!" 

"I don't know...he's just not my type, you know." She smirked at the blonde, then looked at the computer before looking back at him. Yamato just shrugged in response. 

"Maybe...but..." He paused before continuing dreamily, "Koushirou's not so bad, either..." 

"True, true, gotta agree with you there." She smiled at him, barely holding back a giggle. "He looks so cute when he's studying." "And when he's helping people with their homework...or explaining something complicated in a way that no one can understand...or hacking into something...or..." Yamato trailed off, blushing slightly as he realized just how much he was rambling on. 

"So, how long have you been drooling over him?" 

"Since I met him." Simply put, done without thought. 

"Er.." 

He blinked, looking at her with an innocent confusion. "What?" 

"That's been...three years?" she questioned slowly, looking at him carefully, trying to make sure that she'd heard him correctly in the first place. That was confirmed by the soft blush that lit his cheeks and the nod that he gave in response. "And you haven't _told_ him?!" 

"I...I can't!" he protested, blue eyes going wide. "He's not like that...and...and even if he wasn't, he'd never like me..." He trailed off, trying to think of what he could say. "I'm just..." 

"Tall, blonde, and beautiful?" the lavender-haired girl supplied. 

The blonde shook his head as soon as she said those words, answering softly, "I'm not beautiful..." 

"You are." She rolled her eyes as he shook his head and looked away. 

"He'd never think so." 

"Ever try to find out?" Honestly, she had never known that Ishida Yamato, teenage rock god, was so self-conscious about these matters. 

His eyes widened in fear at that prospect, and he shook his head wildly. "I couldn't!" 

Her exasperation at his protesting was so thick that it was nearly visible. "And why not?" 

"I..." He sighed, cutting off, having no idea what he really meant to say. His lips twitched ever-so-slightly as he thought. "Let's just say I didn't get courage for a damned good reason, all right?" 

"But how much of a friend are you being by not telling him?" Her retort was so quick, so effortless, and so blunt, it could only be described as being a Miyako-ism. He bit his lip, not really used to this, and not sure what to say. 

"I...I...I..." He choked up, and the fact that the girl was tapping her foot at him wasn't helping; in fact, all that it served to do was make him even more scared to answer, and he looked away. 

"Well?" 

The blond sank down, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. "I can't," he whispered simply, as though that were all the explanation he needed...and, to him, that _was_ the only explanation he needed. 

"Why not?" That caught him. Miyako stared at him, hazel eyes letting him know that he was not going to get away with such a simple answer. He bit his lip, too afraid to answer, subconsciously knowing that his reasoning would sound too stupid, especially to her. That, of course, only made the situation worse, and she snapped at him, "Answer me now, Ishida Yamato! Or I'll give Motomiya Jun your home phone number!" 

_That_ made Yamato's eyes go wide, and he curled up a little tighter. "H-He'd just..." 

"He'd just what?" She sounded...curious, if maybe a bit annoyed. 

He blinked back a few tears, trying to collect himself, before finally whispering, "He'd just break my heart..." 

"How do you know?" She was getting fed up with this...spinelessness that he was displaying, quite honestly. _This_ was the guy who had told Daisuke off when first forced to work with him? It just wasn't possible. She barely held onto a sound of disgust as she saw his lip tremble. 

"He'd never want me...I know he wouldn't. I'm not good enough for someone like him." 

Hazel eyes rolled again as he said that. "He's just a guy, Yamato." 

Yamato's eyes widened at that, and he shook his head wildly* "He's not just a guy, Miyako...he's...he's..." 

"What?" 

Yamato blushed, his voice soft as he started going over just why he was so hopelessly in love with Koushirou. "He's perfect...smart...well-mannered..." He cut off, shaking his head. "I...I'd never be good enough to be with someone like him..." 

"You are." 

He shook his head, protesting, "I'm not!" 

Of course, for all of his protests, she remained firm, bullheaded, almost, in her insistence otherwise. "You are." 

"No!" He turned his face away, whispering softly, "What could I possibly have that he would want?" 

Again, her eyes rolled, and she held out a hand, ticking off qualities on her fingers briefly. "Let's see...musical talent, hot looks, a great ass..." He stared at her with wide eyes, shaking his head, all while she just nodded at him. He shook his head once again. 

"Miyako, he wouldn't want any of that." 

"You know this how?" She asked slyly, a smirk on her lips. "Ever asked him?" 

He looked away, looking a bit miserable. "Didn't we already go through this?" 

That didn't deter her in the least, however, and she put her foot down there. "Ask. Him." 

"I told you, I can't!" 

"You can." He shook his head furiously, and she glared at him before saying warningly, "Yamato." 

The blonde whimpered, curling up a little more, before saying softly, "I've tried...I've tried so many times, and I just can't do it..." If Miyako didn't know any better, she would have said that he sounded like he was crying. 

Not like that changed anything. "Then I'll do it for you." 

He shook his head violently, begging her, "You can't...please don't, Miyako...please don't..." 

"Why not?" 

"No one knows...and I...I can't let them...I can't let him know...I..." His voice was soft, almost inaudible. 

"Why?" 

He shuddered softly with a sob before whispering, "They'd never trust me again...I...I've kept it from them for three years...they'd never believe another word that I say, and...and he'd never be able to look at me again..." Another sob overtook him, wracking through his body. 

The girl stood there for a moment, just staring at him, before slapping him across the face. Yamato's hand went to his cheek as he turned his face away, shoulders shaking as he sniffled. "Grow a damned spine! They're your friends, they won't suddenly hate you because you kept a secret!!" Normally she wouldn't get quite so worked up over something as...irrevocably stupid as this, but the way that he was acting, like his world would end if someone were to find out who he had a crush on...it was beyond ridiculous. He didn't answer, however, choosing to just curl in around himself protectively, and when she spoke, her words were scathing. "How in the world did someone as pathetic and whiny as you get anything done in the digital world? I'm surprised you didn't bawl your eyes out over a pricked finger!" 

He looked at her for a moment, eyes showing how hurt he was by that before going blank. He looked at the door, standing stoically, before responding, "I shouldn't have come here..." He shook his head slightly before going for the door quickly, almost at a run. 

Miyako ran after him, right on his heels. "What's the matter, can't stand to hear the truth? You're a pathetic, whiny _baby_!" He didn't respond, instead rounding a corner, not realizing that there were stairs there, and falling right down them. The girl followed him, running up to him where he lay motionless on the ground, eyes closed. "Oh, _great_." She rolled her eyes, sighing in annoyance before moving to call for an ambulance, then settling on waiting for it afterwards, noticing the blonde's eyes twitch as he groaned, one hand reaching out for something - _anything_ - to hold on to. "Sit," she commanded, not much in the mood to deal with him anymore. "Stay." Idly, her mind made a comment about how it sounded like Yamato was a dog. Consciously, she didn't much care if that was how it sounded. 

He looked at her, eyes wide, before whispering very softly, "M-Miyako...you can't...can't...I...I'm scared of..." 

She snapped...that was all that it could be described as. "What aren't you scared of?! _Dung beetles_?!" 

The blonde winced, turning his head away as sapphire eyes closed. "I'm scared of hospitals...I...I..." He cut off, visibly holding his jaw shut. The girl growled at him in exasperation, and he spoke with a trace of distance in his voice, as though he were remembering something from ages ago, "They almost killed me once..." 

"You could have a concussion and REALLY die if you don't." 

His lips twitched a bit. "Taichi's hit me and gotten my head to hurt more than this." 

She rolled her eyes before commanding once again, "Sit." 

He wrapped his arms around her waist, terrified, looking up at her with frightened blue eyes. "You can't let them take me there..." 

"I'll go with you if you have to go, Yamato" 

He shook his head for the umpteenth time, wincing in the process as it made his head swim. "I can't go there...I can't..." Miyako sighed in annoyance, and he shivered, looking up at her with wide, pathetic eyes. 

"You need help," she said simply. 

He looked away from her again. "You can't let them take me there..." She growled, getting pissed off at the entire situation, and his eyes closed, a few tears slipping from them and down his cheeks. 

"Maybe while they're there they can find out what happened to your backbone," she offered nonchalantly, and he shuddered violently, looking up at her in horror before quickly turning away. "What?" He shook his head slightly, and she sighed once more. 

When he answered, his voice was a mere whisper, so soft that it was nearly inaudible. "N-no one knows...no one is supposed to know..." 

"What??" 

"You can't know...you can't...I...I can't...can't tell...i-it's..." She sighed, and he continued. "I don't want anyone's pity, and if anyone knew...that's all I would have..." 

"Yeah. SO, when did you develop this ability to read minds and see the future?" she asked, sarcasm dripping from her words. 

"I already know that's what would happen..." he said sadly. "It has happened once...and I don't want it to happen again." He whispered, voice soft again, "I just want to be normal...and I never get the chance for that...never..." 

She sighed again. "Yeah. Whatever. Where's the real Ishida Yamato? The guy who had a real heart and a real spine and who didn't cower and bleat like a sheep?" 

He laughed softly, mind going over the irony. "He's a myth. Ishida Yama is and always has been just a broken little boy who could never do much of anything that he wanted to." 

"Bullshit," she spat out, glaring at him. "Broken little boys don't get the crest of friendship and save two worlds!" 

"How else would you explain someone who was born with problems in his spine and lungs?" he asked simply. 

"That has _nothing_ to do with what you are!" she cried out, not quite hearing what he said at first, but it quickly sank in as he looked up at her sadly. 

"Do you know how many times I've wanted to give up?" 

She sighed once more. "Forget it. I thought I was talking to a chosen child." She rolled her eyes in his direction. "I think I still have to go find one. After all, you don't care that the others need you. All you care about is your own pathetic whining." 

"And I suppose I mistook you for someone that I could trust." He looked at her before continuing, "If anyone finds out...I will know who it was." 

Another sigh escaped her. "Whatever. If you see someone worthy of the crest of friendship, let him know we need him." He made an indistinguishable noise, and she continued. "Someone who has the balls to think of other people more than himself." 

The cryptic smile that he gave her would have sent chills through her if she still cared as much as she had at first. "Who ever said that I think of myself?" 

"I'll just go tell the emergency people it was a mistaken alarm." 

He shrugged, responding nonchalantly as he grabbed the railing shakily and pulled himself up, "Do whatever you wish..." 

She continued as though he had never even spoken. "Since obviously helping others is something forbidden." 

He smirked, looking at her, "I never said it was forbidden...just as long as the 'other' isn't me." 

"Of course," she responded, disdain in her words, but he didn't catch it, instead focusing his attention on the door to the outside distantly. "So when they find you dead in the gutter, 'He didn't want help.'" 

He gave her that cryptic smile again. "Now you're getting it." 

That made her lose all reason, and she turned on him, slamming him into a wall. "You want to die that badly, I'll kill you right here and now, and we can hand the entire digital world over to Ken, will that make you _fucking **happy**_?" 

He brushed her hands away, starting to walk to the doors, softly throwing his words over his shoulder. "I don't want my blood on your hands, Miyako." She slammed him back up against the wall before he could get too far, and he stared at her sadly. "What does it matter? What does it matter if I die today, or tomorrow, or next week?" He snorted softly. "What's another try at it, Miyako? What's another try to go right along with the other hundred?" 

She sighed again. "Fine. I had this crazy notion you'd want to come and help them." 

He didn't answer her, but, instead, remained silent for a few minutes before whispering, "Maybe I'll get it right his time, Miyako. Maybe it will be different and I'll actually get it right, and then none of you will have to worry about poor, stupid, whiney, spineless, messed up Yamato ever again." 

"I give up." A sigh escaped her again. "I just give up. They need you and nothing I say gets through to you. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of it all." She pulled out her D-3 and her D-terminal, dropping them to the floor. "I quit." 

He looked at her and shook his head. "They need you, Miyako. If you hadn't noticed...I'm old news." He went for the doors again, pausing as he got there. "You wanted to know why I feel that Koushirou would just break my heart if I told him that I like him?" He paused again, eyes distant. "Well...that's the sort of impression that on gets when someone tells you that you and everything that you feel are worthless..." His eyes remained distant as she kicked the D-3 away from herself. "He said that to me after I confided in him...I told him one of my most important secrets...and he treated it and me like trash." He turned to look at her, tears in his eyes. "Miyako...if someone wasn't going to break your heart, would they honestly do something like that?" 

She looked at him with anger in her eyes before bluntly answering him, "I don't know you." 

He took a step back, turning away. "It's stupid for me to still love him...but I..." 

"Fuck you." She glared. "Fuck them all. Why should I be anyone's friend when the chosen child of friendship is such a bastard?" Without another thought, she walked out of the school. 

He trailed after her, not realizing what he was doing. "I was a mistake, wasn't I? They chose wrong for me...that's what I kept saying three years ago, you know...how could I, the person who knows nothing about friendship because the whole world has shunned him his entire life, be given the crest for the one thing he knows least about? Miyako...I..." He didn't get to finish, however, as she slammed the door in his face. He slid to the ground, whispering softly, brokenly, "I do need help..." 

He watched as she headed for home, sick and disillusioned of the whole thing...what Yamato had been saying, being a chosen child...all of it. As he began to trail back to the school, she got home and began to pack a bag, ready to get away from everything, leaving a note before running off. 

The blonde slowly made his way back to the computer lab, sinking into a chair, a tear sliding down his cheek. "I'm sorry...I never meant to." He shivered slightly. "Miyako..." 

It was about then that Koushirou walked back in from...wherever he had gone off to. For the life of him, Yamato could no longer remember where that was. The red head looked around the room, spotting the older boy, and he spoke with slight disgust evident in his voice. "Oh. What are you doing here?" The blonde jumped slightly, looking at him with broken eyes before quickly turning away. The redhead sat down before asking, "Have you seen Miyako?" 

"I...I..." He looked away, guilt in his eyes. 

"Huh?" 

Blue eyes refused to meet the black pools that he loved so dearly, so hopelessly. "I got her pissed earlier..." 

"What?" 

The blonde looked down. "I didn't mean to...I just..." 

Koushirou rolled his eyes, obviously not believing a word that Yamato said. "Sure." 

The blonde whispered sadly, "I know it's my fault." Koushirou ignored him, grabbing his own D-terminal to email the lavender-haired girl, only to be stopped by Yamato's words. "Sh-she won't get it...she...she threw hers in the hall earlier..." Koushirou frowned, and Yamato hugged his knees to his chest. "This is all my fault..." 

The redhead rolled his eyes at the blonde again before stating coldly, "So go fix it." 

"I don't know how. The...the only thing I can think of is the exact same thing that she was trying to stop me from doing." 

"What?" He sounded...merely curious, not very worried or interested at all. Yamato shook his head, and Koushirou tapped a foot. 

The blonde shuddered, hugging his knees even closer as he thought of how to reply. "It wouldn't help our situation out any if you knew, anyway." Koushirou growled, and Yamato jumped, whimpering softly. 

"Spineless tramp." He muttered it so softly that Yamato wasn't even sure that Koushirou had said anything at all for a few moments. 

When the words finally sank in, he barely managed to keep from letting the hurt show, making himself as small as possible. Yet, he couldn't keep himself from saying anything. "And what exactly would it help right now for you to know that she was trying to stop me from thinking about killing myself and to stop being a coward? Want to tell me that? What the hell would it help for you to know that?" Koushirou snorted in response, and Yamato continued on. "Like I said, it helps nothing for you to know that. Am I right?" 

"You can't help the hopeless," the redhead responded simply. 

Yamato stood at that, heading for the door, pausing upon getting there. "Koushirou-san...thank you for making it abundantly clear that you have never, would never, and could never give a shit about me." That said, he left, trying to think of just where he would be able to find Miyako, all while trying to ignore the feeling of his heart breaking. He left the building, absently rubbing his chest as he walked out into the rain, not even noticing it as it poured down on him. He also never noticed that he was crying, nor did he notice how far he'd traveled. One hand continuously rubbed over his chest. His eyes wandered, looking around, and he briefly noticed a familiar girl with lavender hair some meters away from him. He called out softly, "Miyako?" She looked over, saw him, and turned and ran away from him. He ran after her, coughing as he did so, calling out again, "Miyako, wait! Please wait!" 

"Go away!" He managed to catch up to her, wrapping his arms around her frame. 

"I'm sorry." 

"_No_!" 

Yet he refused to let her go. It was almost as though he was clinging to her because his entire life depends on holding onto her. "Miyako, I'm sorry for being such a stupid, spineless jerk." 

"No you're not," she answered coldly. 

"I am..." He insisted. "And...and I know I won't change overnight...but I need help...I need help almost as much as our friends need our help now. I'm so sorry, Miyako. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I swear." She looked at him, quivering slightly., and he looked back, eyes filled with infinite sadness. He tried to smile, but failed miserably. "Please, Miyako, I can't do this without your help...everyone else needs us. W-we can't let them down..." 

"A-all right," she said slowly, and he tried to smile again, once more failing miserably. He clung to her still, tears falling unnoticed down his cheeks. "L-let's get out of the rain." 

Yamato looked at her in confusion. "Rain?" 

"Yeah, the wet stuff." 

He looked completely sad, completely confused, and even rather dazed as he stared at her. "But...it-it's not raining..." 

"It is," she said simply. 

He blinked, more tears falling from his eyes without him knowing about them. "I-is it? I don't feel rain, though..." 

While he didn't notice the tears, however, Miyako had. "You're crying." 

"I...I am?" He sounded even more confused, and she nodded. "But I don't..." He stopped, cutting off as he rubbed a hand over his heart again, eyes closing as he did so. 

"Yamato?" 

He broke down then, collapsing a bit. "He doesn't care, Miyako...he doesn't care about me at all...he...he never did and he never will..." She frowned, just holding him, and he cried for a bit in her arms, before going completely silent. They remained like that before he finally spoke. "It...it was stupid of me to try to find out if he cared...I knew that he wouldn't...I knew it was stupid, and I still did it. I don't know why I expected things to turn out any differently than they did." He paused. "I...never again. I'll never love again..." The words, his voice, the way he looked...the only word that could describe it all was dead...utterly and completely dead. 

"Never say never," she responded seriously, looking at him with worry. 

He shook his head, voice still rather dead. "I mean it...never again." She shushed him, and he shivered, clinging to her before saying softly, "We should go." She nodded in response, and the two walked back to the school in complete silence. When they got inside, they walked through the hall, Yamato bending down as they got to where her D-3 and D-terminal still lay on the ground, picking them up and handing them to her. "You'll need these..." She nodded at him, and they continued to the computer room, Yamato still holding a hand over his heart while Miyako held his free hand. He looked at her in surprise. "Th-thank you..." 

She smiled at him, getting an extremely weak smile back from him, and went inside, Yamato following and trembling. She walked over to the computer, pushing Koushirou away, saying angrily to him, "Let the _real_ chosen children work...not cold-hearted sons of bitches." The redhead stared at her in shock, as did Yamato, but neither had time to say a word as she pulled out her D-3 and looked at the blonde. "Ready to go, Yamato?" He nodded mutely, and she smiled, holding her D-3 out to the computer. "Digital gate open!" The two went through, and when they got there, Yamato looked around, worriedly asking, "Where are they?" 

The lavender-haired girl looked at her D-3 before pointing towards the tracks. "Looks like it's this way." Yamato followed her to what he could only presume was a mine car, and the two got in, Miyako steering them along while Yamato remained wrapped up in his saddening thoughts, putting on a semblance of normalcy as Miyako finally tracked down their friends and called out to them. 


	2. Peaceful Hearts

**Series** // Behind the Scenes   
**Title** // Peaceful Hearts   
**Author** // Cynthia and Josie   
**Rating** // PG-13   
**Category** // romance   
**Pairing(s)** // Koushirou/Yamato   
**Disclaimer** // Digimon Adventure 02 belongs to Toei Animation, its dubbing rights belong to Saban Entertainment (and now Disney), and its merchandising rights belong to Bandai. We're just writing this baby for fun.   
**Author's Note 1** // I have no idea what to put here. It's 3:30 a.m. and my author's note well has hit rock bottom. Read the fic. Love it, hate it, we won't be offended. We had fun, and we gave an ending. Is it happy? Read it and find out. Why should we tell you everything?   
**Author's Note 2** // I love torturing him, that's what it's all about. Beware the OOC-ness...and the spineless Yamato.   
**Timeline Note** // They're...well, Yamato is 20, and Koushirou is 19. It's based around what happened in the first fic...it kind of ruined Yamato's life. Oh yeah, and Miyako is the one who set Yamato up with Sora...and then they ended up together for a while, too. 

A lone figure sat alone on a couch, curled up under a blanket and nose stuck in a book, safe indoors from the cold winter air outside, though he still shivered slightly. His frame was perhaps too thin for the weather. He shivered again, blue eyes skimming over the words on the pages before him, words that he knew almost by memory, for he had read the book so many times in the past, but words that he loved regardless. As he read, he idly wondered how much longer he would be waiting for the pizza that he ordered, feeling the distinct, tell-tale bite in his stomach that he was practically starving. Yet, even though he was expecting the delivery boy at any minute, he still jumped when there was a knock at the door, startled out of the world of his imagination that his book had put him into. He blinked, looking up before unwrapping the blanket from himself, picking up some yen from the table before him and walking to the door, still reading. He didn't even look up from the book as he opened the door and held out the money in his hand to who he knew would be the delivery boy. "This is enough, right?" he asked softly, still not bothering to look away from the wonderful world written on those pages. 

The person in the doorway blinked at that, dark eyes confused. "What?" 

"It's enough, right?" He paused at that, one hand idly reaching up to move a strand of blond hair from his face. _Wait a minute...I know that voice..._ He looked up from his book, right at his visitor, recognizing him immediately and blushing bright red. "O-oh...Izumi-san. I'm sorry, I...I didn't know it was you..." The redhead just stared at him, and he blinked before holding his book, which Koushirou couldn't help but note looked like it was almost heavier than what the fragile blonde would be able to lift, open against his chest, hugging it to himself. His blush deepened to a most becoming shade. "I..." Again, the blush deepened. "I'm sorry...about that..." He cut off, biting his lip nervously. "W-would you like to come in?" The redhead nodded, and he felt himself smiling nervously at him before stepping out of Koushirou's way. That was when he felt self-consciousness sinking in. "I...I'm sorry if it's a bit of a mess..." 

Koushirou took a moment to look around as he walked in, blinking at the comment as he noticed that it was spotless and in perfect order, except a few books, all of which looking at least as big as the one that the blonde was holding, on the couch with a blanket that he could tell the other had recently been using. "It looks fine." He didn't notice the blush that those words brought onto pale cheeks, nor did he notice how nervous the other was. The blonde thought that he was just saying that, convinced that his apartment was a mess. Yet the thoughts didn't show in his eyes, and Koushirou didn't know about them...or, if he did, he didn't make mention of them. "How have you been?" 

The blonde shrugged. "O-okay, I guess..." He blushed again, hugging his book closer to himself as Koushirou made a sound of acknowledgement. 

One red eyebrow quirked up at that. "What are you reading?" 

"Huh?" Blue eyes lit with surprise. "Oh...n-nothing..." His blush deepened. 

"What?" 

"I-it's nothing, really..." He smiled nervously as the redhead frowned, then walked over to the couch. "W-would you like to sit?" Koushirou nodded shortly and sat, and he put his book face-down on the table so that it was still open to his page, quickly gathering the books from the couch into a neat stack on the table, and then moving to grab the blanket so that it wasn't in the way. He blushed softly as he noticed a thoughtful frown on his guest's face as he watched the blonde fold the blanket neatly. He didn't even think about how he left his precious book unprotected. 

Koushirou, however, did notice that, and leaned over to look at it, then up at the blonde, who was still folding his blanket. "Well..." He noted the small jump that the blonde gave at that. "Interesting." 

"Wh-what's interesting?" He was biting his lip again, looking sincerely confused, then blushed as he saw the redhead point to his book. 

"Yamato..." He paused, looking directly into clear blue eyes. "Why didn't you tell me you liked to read?" He noticed a blush blossoming on Yamato's face again. 

"I...I didn't know it was s-such a big deal..." He bit his lip again as he heard the other chuckle, then quickly grabbed up his book before Koushirou could see anything about it, dropping the blanket in the process. 

"What is that?" Yamato shook his head, hugging the book, still open with its pages facing towards his chest. Koushirou peered closer. "_The mists of Avalon_?" Blue eyes widened as he said that, and Yamato turned away, blushing furiously. "Well?" The blonde blushed deeper, but didn't answer, and he frowned. 

It took a minute for Yamato to finally peek over his shoulder, and he bit his lip as he noticed the frown. "Wh-what's wrong?" 

"You're not talking to me." 

He bit his lip again. "I...I really don't...know what to say." And that was the truth. He had never felt quite so confused about anything before this. 

"Maybe you could answer why you didn't tell me?" He sighed as the blonde blinked, but cut him off before he could ask his question. "That you like to read, Yamato!" 

Again, the blonde blushed deeply. "Oh...I...I already told you, I didn't...didn't think it was important, Izumi-san..." He noted the eyebrow that raised in a silent questioning of why as he said that, and he shrugged slightly. "It...just never seemed like it was. Does it really make that much of a difference?" 

Koushirou sighed. "No, of course not. " 

Yamato bit his lip again before speaking softly, "You're mad..." His eyes went wide as the redhead stood. "Izumi-san!" 

"Obviously I was mistaken in coming." The blonde couldn't speak...for all that his voice had been known for at any point in his life, it abandoned him now. He just stood there, silently shaking his head. "I won't bother you again since you obviously don't want me here." Still, Yamato shook his head, on the verge of tears and still unable to speak. "What?" 

He shrugged, barely managing any sound at all. "I...I do want you here." The redhead frowned, and he blushed softly. 

"Well..." 

"W-well...?" Yamato stammered out, even more nervous than he had been before. 

"I might stay." 

He bit his lip again. "M-might?" He watched as the redhead sat back down, then nervously went over to join him, about to sit before he noticed the blanket and bit his lip. 

"What is it?" Koushirou sighed mentally as he saw the evidence internal debate Yamato was having in those blue eyes, then watched as the blonde picked up the blanket, but refusing to quit hugging his book. That, of course, caused a bit of trouble, and he dropped both, giving a tiny, girlish shriek before going to pick them up, laying the book down on the table with care. He then picked up the blanket, folding it up neatly and placing it on the back of the couch before sitting next to Koushirou, blushing softly and trembling a bit. The trembling increased as he noticed the redhead smile at him. "You look so cute when you're frustrated." Yamato's blush deepened, and his trembling increased even more. "What?" 

"H-huh?" 

"Why are you blushing?" The redhead smiled gently at him. 

_Why am I...and...and why can't I stop shaking?_ He looked into Koushirou's dark eyes, blush growing a bit more. "I...I..." Yet he was cut off by a knock on the door. He picked up the money again, still trembling, and went to answer the door, paying the delivery boy and bringing in the pizza box. "W-would you like some?" 

Koushirou looked at him worriedly. "Is there enough?" He watched the other nod. 

"I usually only eat one or two slices, so there's m-more than enough..." The redhead nodded, and Yamato blushed, walking over to his table and putting the box down before disappearing into the kitchen to get plates, glasses, drinks, and napkins and returning, trembling again as Koushirou moved to help him out. The nervous trembling increased with each passing moment. 

"What?" Blue eyes looked up at him in confusion. "You're shaking." Yamato bit his lip and looked away, still shivering. "What is it?" 

The blond shook his head slightly. "I-it's nothing..." He didn't notice the other's frown, but blushed and sat, Koushirou sitting across from him. He ate slowly, nervousness showing, and still trembling, but taking time to peek up at the man that he still loved, even after all of the years that had passed since his blatant rejection and statement of hatred that the other had given him. His mind barely registered the soft smile that lit Koushirou's features as they ate. They ate in silence, finishing soon enough, and Yamato quickly, yet carefully, cleared everything...Koushirou frowned as he noticed just how obsessed Yamato seemed with making the process orderly and making sure that everything was perfectly clean. When the blonde finished, he smiled softly, and Koushirou smiled back. That, unfortunately, just made Yamato even more nervous, and his shivering came back with a vengeance. 

"What?" Yamato looked up in confusion again. "You're shaking, Yamato." Blue eyes went a little dull for a moment before Yamato shrugged as best as he could, trembling more because Koushirou noticed. Koushirou, not being one to keep from acting in a situation like this, grabbed the blanket from the couch and pulled it around Yamato, who only shivered more. "_What_ is it?!" 

The blonde squeaked, backing into a wall and shaking like a leaf. "I...I...I..." He felt like a bunny that had just been cornered by a wolf. 

Koushirou sighed at his behavior. "I'm not going to bite you." He sighed again as Yamato continued to shake. 

"I...I'm sorry..." the blonde said eventually. "I'm being stupid." He wasn't going to argue there, and he nodded in affirmation of the blonde's words. Yamato looked down, embarrassed and more than slightly upset, shaking and nervousness still apparent, and he mentally berated himself because he was ruining the one thing he wanted more than anything...a chance for Koushirou to actually want to be with him. "I'm sorry..." he whispered. "I'm sorry...I...I just...I can't say it..." 

"Sorry for _what_?!? 

He whimpered, repeating himself softly. "I can't say it..." Koushirou sighed, and he whispered again. "I'm so sorry..." The redhead stood, and a soft whimper escaped Yamato's lips. 

"_**What**_?!" Yamato whimpered once again, pressing back against the wall and trying desperately to hide the fact that he was crying because Koushirou had yelled at him. The redhead looked at him in contempt. "Sorry, I must have the wrong place. I thought Ishida Yamato lived here." He didn't bother to look at the blonde, who was still trying to hide his tears, as he began to leave 

_Last chance...if I...if I don't say it..._ Blue eyes watched him brokenly, and he whispered as though his life depended on these three words, "I love you..." 

"You love whining and hiding and being deceitful." The blonde trembled, shaking his head at those words, but absolutely refusing to talk. 

_I...I admitted it...I told him the truth, told him exactly how I feel, and he...he threw it right back at me. He would cut out my heart so quickly and leave me to bleed...alone..._ He stopped, standing up and walking to the couch, collapsing onto it and staring forward, speaking softly. "I was a fool to think that...to hope that maybe I had a chance. I...should have learned years ago that I have no right to hope for something that wonderful..." 

Koushirou looked back at him. "Did it sink into your mind that if you had a spine like you pretended to, you might? If you had tried to be real?" There was no response as the blonde continued to stare straight ahead. Minutes passed. 

"Izumi-san?" There was a soft grunt in response, and he looked thoughtful before speaking again, his tone showing that there was something severely wrong. "Do you think that I could honestly ever be good enough for anyone?" _For you..._

He turned, dark eyes staring at the blonde. "What?" 

The tone didn't change, in fact, it got worse. "Do you think that I could honestly ever be good enough for anyone?" 

"...it depends, I guess." 

The blonde bit his lip, but nodded. "Do you think I could be a good wife?" Koushirou blinked at that...he had never figured Yamato to be one to want that sort of life. "No...no, I suppose I wouldn't. I'd be a horrible wife, probably. I can only think about myself, I can't even keep a room clean, let alone an entire home...I'd probably be horrible with raising children..." 

Koushirou tried a more gentle approach. "Yamato...your place is spotless." 

He shook his head. "It's not...it's horrible, absolutely disgusting." 

"Where?" 

"Everywhere." He looked around. "There's things that aren't in the right place, and there's dust all over the place, and..." He continued on a list of every little thing that he could nitpick about his home, while Koushirou looked around slowly. 

"No." The blonde silenced, looking up at him and blinking in confusion. "This place is perfect." 

"But it's not!" 

"Yes, Yamato, it is." The blonde shook his head violently, but then stopped, biting his lip again. 

"I..." He closed his eyes, thinking. "I forgot...something...what did I..." 

"What?" 

But he obviously wasn't listening. "I...don't know what it...no...oh no...nonononono..." He gasped softly, eyes flying open wide as he ran to the bathroom, looking almost fanatical as he searched through his medicine cabinet. Koushirou followed him slowly, almost worried that the blonde might try something stupid. 

"Yamato?" But the blonde didn't answer as he grabbed a bottle of pills. Koushirou walked over just as the blonde opened the bottle. "What is that?" Again, there was no answer, and Koushirou looked into the crazed blue eyes. Without a second thought, he took the bottle from the blonde. 

"No!" The shriek pierced the entire room. "No, Izumi-san, I need to!" Koushirou, however, could have selective hearing just as Yamato could, and he ignored the blonde as he read the label thoroughly. "Please, Izumi-san...my doctor said I need to...he...he said that it would make me better, stop me from acting...like that, and would stop my compulsive...urges...and...and..." He trailed off, reaching for the bottle again, all while trying to keep the rest of the cabinet from the redhead's view, self-conscious about how many different prescriptions he had in there. Koushirou frowned slightly. "Wh-what?" The other shook his head a bit before wordlessly handing the bottle back. Yamato smiled nervously as he got the proper dose out, then blushed, because he's only had a select few people watch him as he took any of his medications. "Um..." His blush deepened, and Koushirou raised an eyebrow as Yamato got a glass of water. "Could you...um..." That was all it took for Koushirou to realize that he was nervous, and he nodded before leaving the bathroom to give Yamato his space. The blonde sighed softly before taking his pills, and then opening the cabinet again, taking out proper doses for all of the others that he had to take, and having those as well. He didn't want to risk something happening, not with someone over. He blushed softly as he walked back towards Koushirou. "Izumi-san..." 

"Kou: Yes?" 

He smiled nervously. "I...I'm sorry..." 

"It's all right." Koushirou smiled at him as Yamato blushed and bit his lip. 

"But...it doesn't change anything, does it?" He sounded upset. "It doesn't change the fact that I never had a chance with you..." He looked up, eyes distant and tears shining in them. "...that I'll never have a chance with you." He sat down, drawing his knees to his chest. 

"Maybe." Yamato looked up at him, eyes sad. "Maybe you do..." He smile at the confusion written on Yamato's face. 

"I...don't understand..." Blonde eyebrows furrowed together. "I thought that you...that you hated me..." 

"No." 

"But you..." 

"What?" 

"You yelled at me..." He blushed, knowing that he sounded incredibly stupid right then. "Everything you said..." 

"I didn't know about your problems," Koushirou stated simply. 

The blonde bit his lip, then looked up at him, tears in his eyes. "That has nothing to do with anything! I...I don't want you to stay here if it's out of sympathy..." He turned his face away, trying to hide his tears and his pain. "You knew about some of them, Koushirou-san...you knew I was never normal." The redhead sighed at those words. "I only want you here if you really, truly want to be here." 

"I do." 

He bit his lip. "But you didn't want to be before you knew about my problems." Koushirou growled, causing Yamato to jump and flatten himself against a wall. 

"Fine." Koushirou's voice seethed in his anger, and Yamato looked at him with sad blue eyes. "You don't want to believe anything, so just forget it." The blonde stayed flattened against the wall, and Koushirou looked at him sadly. "There's nothing I can do. If I say anything, you'll take it the wrong way. If I don't say anything, you'll take it the wrong way." 

Yamato felt his eyes tear up at that, and he couldn't stop himself from asking. "Why did you come here today, Izumi-san?" 

"I was hoping to ask you out, but, since you think you're too scummy for anyone, you wouldn't say yes anyway." Yamato's eyes went wide at that, and he dropped to his knees as Koushirou walked to the door. "You don't want anyone to care about you." 

Yamato shook his head, even knowing that the other wouldn't see it. "I don't want anyone to pity me. There's a difference." 

"I wasn't." 

"But until you found out about my "problems" you didn't want to be around me." 

"Oh, am I supposed to be perfect now?" 

He shook his head again, looking at Koushirou, pain obvious in his eyes. "But I'm supposed to just accept it that it wasn't you finding out about my 'problems' that kept you here?" 

"I didn't stay out of pity." The disgust was obvious, and Yamato sighed before suddenly just stopping, eyes going wide, and he banged his head against the wall a few times. Koushirou blinked at that. 

He stood there for a moment before whispering softly, "You should go...I...I don't want you to see me like this..." 

"Of course," Koushirou sneered. "Obviously everything I've said was a lie, and you can't trust me." 

Yamato groaned very softly at that. "Please, I just...I don't like anyone to see me when I'm like this." He collapsed, drawing his knees to his chest as Koushirou left, trying to calm himself down. He whispered softly to himself, "I'm sorry, Izumi-san..." His eyes clenched shut. "I can't let you see me like this...I can't let you see me when I lose control..." A lone tear made its solitary journey down his face. _I don't want you to see me when I can't keep a hold of myself...when I'm not just me..._

He stood, going to pick up his book again, taking a few deep breaths and holding it close to himself again, then looked at the door forlornly before running to it. He put his shoes on and ran out, neglect his coat, despite the winter air outside, determined to find Koushirou and apologize for his inexcusable behavior. He ran, hoping against every hope that he had chosen the correct direction, searching desperately, and finally he saw him walking. His breath caught, and he ran up to catch him, calling out softly, "Izumi-san!" 

"What?" There was no way to mistake the annoyance in that voice. Yamato bit his lip, but looked up at him. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to doubt your honestly. I'm sorry." 

"Are you?" The blonde nodded, and Koushirou found himself smiling. 

"I'm an idiot." He hugged his book tightly to his chest for comfort. 

"You're not." 

He hugged his book tighter. "I am." 

"No." The firmness in that statement gave Yamato pause, and he looked up in confusion. 

"I am, Izumi-san. Only an idiot would do something as stupid as what I did." Koushirou shook his head, and he sighed. "You don't have to try to make me feel better." 

"I'm not." 

The blonde looked down sadly. "I know what I am, Izumi-san. I'm stupid, and I'm a freak." 

The redhead sighed at that. "Let me know when you're done feeling sorry for yourself." 

"I'm not feeling sorry for myself, Izumi-san. I...it's the truth." 

"No." 

His heart almost broke as he saw Yamato look up at him, tears shining in his brilliant blue eyes. "It is! I can't do anything right, I don't know how to do anything, I don't know anything!" 

Koushirou looked at him before speaking dryly, "Yamato." Yamato looked up at him again, too scared to do anything else. "You can read that book, right?" Blue eyes blinked, but the blonde nodded. "In English." Confusion entered the shimmering blue eyes. "You can read it in English." The blonde blinked again, but nodded slowly. "Perfectly." 

"I..." 

"Well?" 

He blushed. "How did you know..." 

"I can tell when a book has been read, Yamato," Koushirou answered simply. 

He blushed again, deeper this time. "Izumi-san..." He blushed as Koushirou looked at him, but then shivered, eyes looking around himself, and he finally realized that it was snowing...that it must have been snowing for a while now. The cold was just then getting through to him. 

"You're _freezing_!" Yamato looked up again, blushing and shivering, which only made the blush deepen. "Come on...you're going home." The blonde nodded a bit, shivering increasing as he got colder. Koushirou did the first thing that came to mind...put an arm around the shorter man, and Yamato immediately snuggled with him. 

"I..." He blushed, and Koushirou looked at him with a silent urge for him to continue. "I've loved you since..." His blush deepened. "I've loved you since I first met you...you've had my heart since then." He snuggled happily as Koushirou blushed at the statement, and the redhead smiled down at him. Yamato pressed even closer as they neared his apartment, and Koushirou brought him in. "I...don't really know how to tell you any of this, Koushirou-san..." he began softly. He pulled Koushirou over to the couch after they removed their shoes and locked the door, and Koushirou brought the blanket around them both, gently holding the fragile blonde close. "You...know about the problems that I had from the start...the health problems that I had been born with." Koushirou nodded for him to continue. "And...I told you that they would never really go away, and...they didn't. I still have to deal with them. But...I've...kind of developed more problems than just that... 

"I...I think you've probably guessed by now that...well, I have problems dealing with anything being out of place. I never really thought about it for a while, I kind of thought that it was natural, even when people told me that I shouldn't clean things constantly, that I could let things out of their little assigned places every now and then. They told me that everything didn't need its perfect little cubbyhole, but I...I couldn't deal with that." Koushirou nodded, squeezing him gently. "Eventually, I...well, it happened after some other things, and I was already seeing a psychologist..." He didn't look up to see Koushirou's frown at that. He knew that he would have to go into it anyway...everything would have its time and place. "I told him about it...I asked him if everyone was right when they were telling me that it wasn't normal...and he...he told me that they were. He told me that it wasn't healthy, and that I should have told him that I was like that earlier..." 

"Obsessive-compulsive..." 

Yamato nodded. "Exactly. And I...I've been getting better, I guess you can say, but...if I miss one dose of my medication, I usually go right back into old habits...you got a good view of that earlier." He paused, sighing softly. "I still like things to be neat...but, I'm not as...anal about it, I guess you could say." He snuggled closer. "So there's that, and the health problems for my spine and my lungs..." 

"Which I knew about." Koushirou smiled at him gently. 

"...I never really told many people about the rest." He paused, taking a deep breath. "My family, my doctors...and Miyako. They're the only people that know. Miyako because she's one of my two best friends...and I didn't really think I could confide in Taichi about any of this. I don't know if he would have been able to deal with it the way that she did." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "D-do you remember when Ken...captured Agumon? How Miyako had stayed behind, and then she ran off, and...and I went after her?" Koushirou nodded. "I never really told anyone except for her, but when you and I spoke...and...and you yelled at me..." He looked up, eyes distant. "It was sort of a breaking point, I guess you could say. I had never really been all there...I'd always been a little crazy, and to hear you, the one person that I loved with all of my heart, yell at me...it kind of killed a part of me. I...I know that no one ever told you...I didn't want anyone to, but...I tried to kill myself a few times after that..." He leaned his head back, looking into Koushirou's eyes before pulling up one of his sleeves to reveal some scars from long lines of stitches along the veins on his wrist. "...that's why I'm always wearing long sleeves. I tried so many times, and I would get so angry that someone would always save me, but I just kept bottling it away. It wouldn't do for me to yell at someone for saving my life...they were only doing what they thought was right. It's not their fault that I was such a fuck-up. And bottling it up just lead to more depression, and that lead to more attempts to take my life...and, eventually... 

"Eventually, I ended up with about a year in the psyche ward of the hospital. They usually just kept me on suicide watch, but I ended up going too far over the edge...all of the resentment at being saved when I had nothing to live for in the first place...it just kept bottling up and bottling up until I wasn't the only person in me anymore. There was me, the regular Yamato...and then there was that anger...a whole different self, and I couldn't keep myself in control all of the time. That was why I made that last attempt...I almost succeeded, but Sora and Miyako found me...Miyako blamed herself...she thought that it was because we had just broken up not long before that...and that it was just me being mad about her attempts to give me a love life - she was the one who set me up with Sora to try to help me get over you, and then after that ended...we just sort of...ended up together. It wasn't a good reason...it was kind of like those relationships that start off because of a night of sex, only we never..." He trailed off, blushing slightly. "They were both rebounds for me...and I didn't want either of them. The one person that I wanted, I couldn't have. That's why my psychologist still gets plenty of cash out of me...I'm still seeing him every week. But he's helping me out a lot...he's helping me get rid of that...anger...that other self. And I can usually control it really well now, it's just...today, I almost lost control. That's why I asked you to leave...I couldn't stand the thought of you having to see me like that. 

"But, it was because of that other self, that angry self, that I ended up in the psyche ward. When I woke up after being saved...I went ballistic. I lashed out at everyone, and they put me through a psychological test or something like that...I don't even remember what it was...and they figured it out pretty quickly...all I really remember about the thing was phasing in and out of control. It was a sure sign, and I just...wouldn't get better. That's why I was there for so long. But...I...I'm doing a lot better now." He looked up at Koushirou and smiled. "I just need to make sure that I don't miss my medications is all, and it's not so bad, really. I have incentive to not miss taking them, you know? I don't want to go crazy...it...it wasn't fun." 

"I...I'm sorry, Yamato." Koushirou looked at him sadly, his eyes showing just how sincere his words were, and Yamato hugged him slightly, smiling softly up at him. 

"Th-thank you." He snuggled, taking a few deep breaths. "There's...a lot more to it..." He closed his eyes. 

"But you don't have to push it." 

He nodded. "Thank you." He smiled up at him. "I...I'm not perfect. I know I'm not. And I'm not even a 'me.' I'm kind of scared that I never will be just one person again, that I'll be a 'we' for the rest of my life...and not a we as in a relationship...but...me and my psychotic other self." He frowned, and Koushirou hugged him gently. "And I'm still depressed...and I'm still suicidal..." He closed his eyes. "I just...I don't know how anyone could want me..." 

"How about because you're a wonderful person, and _because_ you're not perfect?" Yamato looked up in surprise, then blushed. 

They sat there like that for a while, neither could tell if it was just moments, or minutes, or even hours. Time seemed to take forever and yet go by too fast at the same time. But, eventually, Yamato spoke again, softly. "You'll help me if something starts to happen, right?" Koushirou nodded, and Yamato snuggled closely. "Thank you." His love held him, and he looked up cutely, to be rewarded by a gentle smile. Blue eyes fluttered closed, and a soft blush tinted pale cheeks, and his head tilted up. Koushirou smiled, leaning down and kissing him gently, causing Yamato's blush to deepened as he kissed back. They pulled out of the kiss slowly, staring into each other's eyes lovingly. "So..." 

"Hm?" 

He bit his lip again, once again nervous. "Was there any other reason you kept insisting that I'm not stupid, that I'm not an idiot? I mean...you were so insistent. I just...don't understand why." 

Koushirou chuckled softly. "But you aren't stupid." Yamato looked up at him with questioning eyes, and he stated firmly, "You aren't. And don't ask me what I mean, Yamato. I know you're not stupid, just as well as you do." 

"You're basing this all on the fact that I can read a stupid book..." 

"No, I'm also basing this on how you graduated. It may not get some special recognition...but you don't graduate third in your class by being stupid." The blush that flared up on Yamato's cheeks was glorious. 

"I..." His blush deepened. "I didn't think that anyone remembered..." 

"I did." 

Yamato blushed a becoming shade of red at those words, and Koushirou smiled gently at him. "Thank you for remembering..." He leaned up for a kiss, which Koushirou happily obliged him with, and when they pulled back, Yamato looked into dark eyes again. "I love you..." 

"And I love you." They smiled at each other, snuggling close before Yamato yawned cutely. "Rest, Yamato." 

The blonde looked up, blushing and closing his eyes. He remained motionless for a minute, and Koushirou could have sworn that he had fallen asleep, but then he spoke. "Kou-chan? Will you...remind me to take my medicine again later?" 

The redhead smiled. "All right." The blonde made a soft happy, noise as he drifted of to sleep, with Koushirou holding him. A smile lit each of their faces. 

And things looked brighter at that moment. Just as the snow was blanketing the world in its purity, love was providing its pure healing that would eventually mend a torn soul completely. But at the moment, all that was necessary was that Yamato was safe, in Koushirou's arms...and that both of their hearts were at peace. 


End file.
